April 5, 2014
E is for…
…emotional. Or rather eee-MOH-tional.
I could call it needy or sappy except that we’re only on “e” and “n” and “s” are a long way off, and I need to talk about this today.
I am an emotional person. I know I drive my more analytical, rational friends nuts with my sometimes roller coaster waves. One such rational friend says I lead with my heart.
My sister and I joke about our family “sap” gene that (many of) our aunts, cousins, grandparents, and parents seem to share…and yes, it’s on both sides of the family. The sap gene extends to such things as a decent performance of the national anthem, for example, or a touching scene in just about any movie. I am very susceptible to music and the moods songs can induce.
I have cried at least five times today. No, I’m not exactly depressed. I’m just having a serious attack of the lonelies. And I believe it is an attack, internal “demons” I didn’t know I was going to have to face. Yesterday was fine; the day before was also like this. Eh.
And I am doing everything in my charm against loneliness and isolation (music, Facebook-fiending), and I’ve even added keeping busy (chores—cleaning, folding laundry, feeding chickens) and reading Scripture (reading about mercy and truth, and the heavens and clouds—fitting for today). I’ve talked out loud to myself, and more extensively to God throughout the day.
Has it been an emotional day? Hell, yeah.
Has it been a productive day? Nope.
Has it been a stick day because of the lack of productivity? Off and on, yes.
Has it been a bad day? Not particularly—a hard day, but…I’m alive and the day was beautiful (see?)
and I will appreciate people and their presence and conversation so much more after today.
See, I’m a fan of solitude. I’m an introvert, so I really do need my time apart. But…I want it by choice, not by force. I’ve learned this today, and it’s good to learn things about yourself. So, not, not a bad day, quite.
What do I speak into the negative space I’m trying to dispel? What’s the positive offset for emotional excess? Perhaps…
Equilibrium—another word for balance. I don’t have any illusions that perfect balance can ever be maintained as long as I am a human…and a human with my particular genetic makeup and proclivities. But I can quest for that equilibrium just the same. I will continue to practice my “charm,” add tools to my coping kit, and practice compassion when the sword dulls too much to slay the dragon.
(But if any of y’all has an equilibrium-achieving strategy that works for you, I’d be more than thrilled to have you share it. My coping bag always has room for more tools.)